When visiting PCC recently, I ran across a book in the book store called Too Close Too Soon by Dr. Jim A. Talley and Dr. Bobby Reed. It caught my attention and we decided to go through it with our kids. If nothing else, it is providing some great discussions and opportunities to talk through dating.
There’s a paragraph at the end that caught my attention, and I thought it might be worth talking through here. So, these are my thoughts on a proper approach for what to expect from this book.
The Promise At the End
The paragraph that caught my attention almost sounded like a promise. It sent up red flags.
If you and your partner follow the guidelines in this book seriously, you will probably develop a very strong, intimate relationship. … If you have taken these steps, you probably have developed a solid friendship, a level of deep emotional intimacy, and a godly physical expression of your love for one another. You will have shared on social, recreational, intellectual, and spiritual levels. You will have come to a place of genuine commitment to one another for a lifelong relationship. <Page 121-122>
The key word here is probably. There’s no recipe or formula that exactly leads to a perfect relationship and perfect marriage. If we approach this book with the idea that it will provide a guarantee, we will be sorely disappointed. If we approach this with the attitude that we can learn principles that will help us build relationships that honor God, the book won’t disappoint.
The Stats
I think the key is the stats. We all know them.
Today 47 percent of the American adult population is single. The tragedy of this statistic is that a majority of those who are single are single again. This is indicative of the divorce rate, which in some parts of our country has reached the 75-percent level! <Page ix>
If we want to accept our chances, we can just keep following our culture. Otherwise, we need to do something different to get different probabilities. We need to figure out what we can do different from what our culture’s methods that improves our changes. With that approach to this book, I think we find principles will help and develop an understanding about God’s design for the relationships that will change our outlook and outcome.
Kissed Dating Goodbye
As I was growing up, one of the popular books I remember was I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I followed up on that book a while back and found that the author had basically recanted the book and apologized for his views. It surprised me because I really connected with the book. It’s been forever since I read it, but what I remembered was that it called for a different approach to beat the stats. And, it focused on proper relationships built on connecting with others rather than building in isolation.
From what I understand, the author was confident he had a formula that guaranteed a happy marriage. If you didn’t get a happy marriage, you didn’t follow his formula properly. Then, his marriage didn’t turn out, and he realized there is not exact formula for marriage. I personally believe that many of the ideas that he suggested in the book still make sense if taken in the right context.
What Are We Promised?
There is no verse in the Bible that says, “And thou shalt have a long marriage and live happily ever after”! Thinking through that, we are designed in God’s image. Notice that God throws in the both male and female part when He says this,
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. (Genesis 1:27)
And, I have come to learn that our relationship between our spouse is an image of our relationship with God. Ephesians 5:22-33 describes this:
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; (Ephesians 5:25)
So, I believe it’s true that just as God does not force us to love him or even to establish a proper relationship with him, we also cannot force our spouse to love us or put the proper effort into our relationship. And, just because our spouse may truly love us and build a fantastic relationship in our 20’s or 30’s it doesn’t guarantee they won’t change or quit in their 40’s or 50’s.
Our focus should be on loving sacrificially the way that Christ loved us and let God handle the results. Part of that means learning and following the principles for relationships laid out in the Bible, not because it earns us favor or rewards or guarantees outcomes. We do it because it honors God and we can trust that it will give us the best outcome because that is the way God designed it.
So, what is our promise? Well, no matter what we go through, God will go through it with us.
Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen. (Matthew 28:20)
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. (Psalms 23:4)
So, give the book a read. Let me know your thoughts in the comments. Above all, trust God to go with and guide you.